I Hate Cash
I hate paper bills in my pockets (even though new Canadian bills are now actually plastic). The sound of my pockets jingling doesn’t make my jolly. Any time I get stuck with $20 or more bucks in cash I feel the urge to run down to an ATM and deposit it into our account. Plastic money for me is a much better alternative to paper money, and when people say “- Well, cash is king!” all I want to say is “- I hate cash. Cash sucks! Cash is nothing but annoyance.”
Cash is hard to track
I’m one of those weird people who actually track their family spending. That’s right, instead of just tossing money left and right like your average rap musician, I actually keep track of every dollar our family spends. Yes, every dollar. In fact, every cent. I use Mint.Com to keep track of every single cent that leaves our account, and I give every dollar a mission to accomplish - whether it is to feed us, pay our bills, or to work hard for us in a form of investment. Call me a financial nerd but tracking our expenses and spending our money on purpose have been the main factors behind paying off our debts and increasing our net worth towards financial freedom.
Now, you try tracking your spending with cash - it’s impossible and that’s why I hate cash. As soon as I get stuck with cash for whatever reason, I can never figure out where it went. You pay for your lunch with a crisp $20 bill, and get a handful of change in return - you don’t expect me to track my change, do you? What am I supposed to do, count the pennies? Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Cash is very easy to spend
The traditional financial wisdom says that everybody should use cash because it hurts to use cash, and spending plastic money doesn’t. Supposedly, you spend less with cash, but you spend like a drunken sailor with debit and credit cards buying puppies, iPods, and chewing gum. Let me be the first one (or millionth) to pop this fairy tale. Spending cash for me is absolutely painless, but I’ll think twice before pulling out my debit card.
When I have a few $20 bills in my pocket, all of a sudden my pockets start to burn. Oh hey, I have money! I can spend it with impunity! It’s literally like having free money. It doesn’t register as money to me for some reason, and gets spent with Millennium Falcon speed (that means “fast” in case you’ve never seen Star Wars).
Debit and credit charges on the other hand always hurt. They’ll show up in my bank transactions, they’ll be automatically reflected in my budget, and they’ll be the silent witnesses of my (sometimes sad) spending behavior. Heck, they’ll silently judge me for my spending. There’s no getting away from them, even if it’s just few dollars.
Heck, my wife will know about them. “- Hey honey, I see Burger King in transactions, I thought you’ve decided not to go there anymore?” Crap! Well, I guess we found what cash is good for - cheating on your diet.
Cash is very easy to lose
What, like you’ve never lost money? Come on, it happens to everybody. You put it on the counter, and your cat pushes it off the table. The wind picks it up and blows it out of the window. You try to reach your house keys and it simply falls out of your pocket. Your couch swallows enormous amount of change only to be found when you replace your couch. Your dog eats your $20 bill because he thinks it’s your homework. You see a large guy chasing you while walking late at night, and you throw bills at him trying to convince him not to kill you. There are millions of ways you can lose your cash, and that’s why I hate cash.
Try losing your plastic debit card. You just go and get a new one. No big deal.
But what about The Big Brother?
This reason for using cash always kills me. ” - Well, don’t you know The Big Government and The World Elite is trying to eliminate cash and force everybody to use debit/credit cards so they can keep track of all your spending and have a file on you?”
Seriously? You actually think The Big Brother is interested in how I spend my money? They’re investing in new tracking technologies, super computers, and electronic payment methods just so they can learn that I just spent $2.55 on ice cream at a gas station? I think the world elite has better things to do.
I hate cash and so should you
Seriously, it’s nothing but annoyance. It’s hard to keep track of, it’s extremely easy to spend, even easier to lose, and overall it’s just inconvenient. Perhaps, the only good thing about cash is being able to sneak a greasy burger here and there without your wife knowing. Outside of this … I hate cash!
PS: In case you just happen to be looking for an opportunity to unload large sums of money in cash to a friendly young man for no particular reason, please disregard information presented in this article completely. I’ll take it. Yours truly, Financial Underdog.